Why do husbands appreciate hell?
At least there, they know what they did wrong.
What do you do when your wife leaves you?
Close the door.
I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is improving.
What does Viagra have in common with Disney World?
You wait one hour for a two-minute ride.
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
--- engagement ring
--- wedding ring
--- suffering
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
Why would you want to? There's a clock on the oven!
What do you call a sheep that does housework?
A threat to every woman in Scotland.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact,last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
What's the difference between a battery and a wife?
A battery has a positive side.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to!
My wife was meant for me. Probably as a punishment.
I know how to push all my wife's buttons...now if I could only find the one marked OFF!
I must admit, my wife brought religion in my life. I never believed in hell until I met her.
Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: what the F@!% was I thinking?
Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?"I answered, "Dust."
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
How do you annoy your wife during sex?
Phone her.
To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't hurt to wash your hands in between.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Billy's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the acting roles for the school play were being posted that day, he asked Billy if he got a part. Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part.
"I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
Why does divorce cost so much?
Because it's worth it!
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
They say that an attractive human body is worth a million dollars. Looks like someone robbed her ugly ass.
I'm so miserable without her, it's almost like she's here.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single women. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman, then POW!! It was all gone." "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open by the time she brings it to the couch.
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and
beat me half to death."
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple had an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride called her mother from the hospital. "Mother," she sobbed, "My husband has only one foot." The mother, trying to console her daughter said, "That's alright dear, your father has only six inches."
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or go to a movie?
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The
husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"
Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you were there. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!"
How do you cure a nymphomaniac?
Marry her.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants?
What's six inches long that women love?
Folding money.
What was the first obscenity ever heard on TV?
"Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
What did Adam say to Eve?
A. You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.
This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So, the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast, he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."
A young couple on the brink of divorce visited a marriage counselor. The counselor asked the wife about the problem. "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation," she said.
"Is that true?" the counselor asked, turning to the husband.
"Well, not exactly," he replied. "She's the one who suffers, not me."
A woman walked into a sporting goods store and asked the salesman if he could help her pick out a rifle. "It's for my husband," she explained.
"Did he tell you what caliber to get?" the clerk asked.
"Are you kidding? He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him."
A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The wife excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?" He says, "Pack'em all and just get the hell out!"
When a man is single, he's incomplete. When he's married, he's finished.
